I don’t believe coincidence, so I know that if you are reading this blog, you needed to hear what I have to say. I want to share something with you that I had to learn the hard way. Yesterday, I was having a challenging day. Actually this past week has been full of surprised. It just happened to be “Selfish Sunday” for me so I was able to enjoy a 60-minute massage at my favorite spa to help kick-off this new week.
Usually I don’t talk to the massage therapist, but this day was different. I wanted to talk and so did she, so we hit it off great. There was a period in the conversation when she mentioned being married twice. She has two grown boys and mentioned that she was now single. She said that with both husbands she took care of most things and they never stepped up so that created a problem in the relationships (among other things).
Then she said something that stuck with me. She said in hindsight, she realizes that she never gave them an opportunity to step and lead, to solve problems, or to really be the man because she handled everything. WOW!
Ladies, how many of us do this? How many of us are trying to figure out how to motivate our husbands while we are taking on his role ourselves? How many of us are tired of handling our responsibilities and his? The truth is if we would get out of God’s way, he can strengthen, mature and stretch his son.
But NO. You gotta do it. You can’t wait. You are doing more harm than good. You can’t tell a man to step up without giving him the opportunity. As long as you run your relationship like Olivia Pope (It is handled), your man won’t step up.
Just thought I’d let ya know. (silly face)
I'd like to help you identify other areas in which you may be kindering your relationship. Click here to schedule your free BOSS Blueprint Session with me.
When I was growing up, my mother was a single parent. She took care of my sister and I without much help or input from our father's. Yes, we knew them but they never fullfilled the role of a father in our home. Our mother had the final say. She ran things.........she ran everything. With that upbringing and seeing all of the older women in my family run their households, I thought that was the way that things were supposed to be.
I used to try to run my family (husband included) just like I saw my mother, grandmother and great-aunts run their households. My husband was NOT having that. See, unlike me, my husband is a man's man. He is a Godly man! He understand that God hold him accountable for everything that does and does not happen in our household. He understands his position and responsibility as the head. So, needless to say he was not willling to disappoint God to please me.
I've seen many marriages fail because the women did not know how to let their man lead (or some did not want to). Newsflash!!!!! A man who understands his position in the home is NOT going to let you lead. If you say you want a Godly man, he can't disobey God to please you. Fighting God's order will cause tension, resentment and even divorce. So marry a man that you can submit to. A man that you are SURE is being led by God, so that you can comfortably follow God by following him.
On the other hand I have also seen women husband's who give up their power to lead. Then they leave everything up to that women. Ladies, if we are honest, we don't want to lead. We want to follow our husband's. The decisive men in our lives make us feel secure and safe. However, some men will give this power up. Your household will be out of order (according to God, not me). Now you can't handle what you need to handle because you're trying to be the husband and wife.
Bottom line......Ms. Independent always finishes last. She either repels good men being soooooooo dominant. Or she sets the tone to do everything, then gets overwhelmed.
I'm not telling you be needy, because that works against you too. However, be submissive TO A MAN WHO SUBMITS TO GOD. It's not a curse word. If you don't know how to submit, get around some women who do. Join me on Saturday, June 24th at the Proverbs 31 BOSS Brunch in DC. Wives and wives in waiting are welcomed!
Before I got married in 2010, I had no idea that staying married would require openheart surgery. If I would have know all of the challenges that we would have faced in advance, I would have said "no thank you" to this life. As I am writing this, my husband and I are approaching seven years of marriage and 7 is the year of completion in preparation of new beginnings. In hindsight, the many lesson we've learned and the challenges that we have faced makes our love stronger on a daily basis. Here are some of the things that I have learned along the way that will help you prepare for and/or strengthen your marriage:
- Be his friend first. - Oftentimes men do not have an outlet (especially black men). Provide a safe place at home for him to be himself and share his feelings without being judged or feeling weak.
- Pray for your man. - As a wife, it is your responsibility to protect your husband spiritually (not physically). You're his rib and the rib protects all of his vital organs. Pray for those things that he doesn't even know that he needs (without telling him). If you are not married yet, you can start now praying for his protection, covering his mind, declaring prosperity, discernment in his friendships and favor in his life. Get used to this because a wife has more authority in prayer over her husband than his own mother. Never let a day go by without lifting him in prayer.
- You can disagree, but don't disrespect him. - A man's primary need is to be respected and he often spends the most time where he is respected. If he's always at work chances are that he feels a greater respect there than at home. Respect your husband and if you can't disagree respectfully, nod your head and take your concerns to God. He'll receive the message from Him, but not from you because men are not designed to take authority from a woman.
- Take advice from the married and happy ONLY. - There are people in our lives that love us and they are giving us the best advice that they can at the time BUT they can't even keep a boyfriend. (hello somebody !!!!) Get close to a woman who's husband still opens her door, he's always smiling and they still date. She has the secret!! Not your friend that can't keep a date.
- Never talk bad about your husband (to anyone). - Mommy might be your best friend, but the minute you tell her about your finances, your heated argument, or what he did to her grandson you can't take it back. When you have already forgiven your husband and moved on, your mother will still be giving your husband the side-eye.
- Remember your covenant - Marriage is a covenant and that is much different than a contract. A contract is an agreement that can be broken if both parties don't hold up their end of the bargin. However, a covenant can not broken and has to be honored whether or not the other person holds up their end of the bargin. In short, you have to be a wife no matter how your husband is behaving at the time. You honor God by honoring your marriage.
- Never use the D word. - Divorce should not be an option. Don't make threats. Don't think about it. Don't say it aloud. You did not come this far to quit, so if there is nothing life threatening going on, you need to work it out. PERIOD.
- Leave the brother TIRED. - Don't be the woman who is sending her husband out into the world all hot and bothered because she is too busy or tired. Your husband needs you to make love to him (whether you feel like it or not). My suggestion is that you keep the brother tired. I mean make him not even have to ask for it. Before you go on your girls trip, LEAVE HIM TIRED. Before he goes on that trip for work WEAR HIM OUT. You want him to be having flashbacks at work.....YOU'RE MARRIED....USE THAT LISCENSE.
- Make your house a home. - Hang some curtains, some pictures, keep his favorite candy in a jar, paint, do whatever you have to do to set the mood in your house to make it a home.
- Do for him what he will not do for himself. - If he doesn't take time out for himself, send him to a man spa. If he doesn't take vacations, book a surprise trip. If he doesn't go to the doctor, make him an appointment. It is your job to take care of the man. Get on your job.
- Learn and give in his love language. - You can easily identify your husband's love language by observing how he shows his love for you. It is normal for people to appreciate others by using their own love language. For instance, my love language is gifts, so I appreciate others by giving them gifts. However, my husbands love language is acts of service, so I have to be intentional about doing things for him to show him that I love and appreciate him.
- Be Blessed,
Hey B.O.S.S. Ladies,
If you follow me on social media, you know that I just returned home from a six day trip to New Orleans. During that time I took a brief break from business execution (although I was still planning) to spend time with my mother who recently moved. While I was away, my husband David and his mom stayed home and worked together to make sure that our kids didn't miss a beat. For those of you who don't know, we have four young children (now ages 11, 5, 3 and 1) and they require a lot of attention, so you can imagine that I'm beyond grateful to be able to take a break when I am responsible for so much at home.
On the 6th day, I returned home and immediately felt OVERWHELMED. By the end of the first day I was worn out. Realizing that I was busy before, my 6 day break showed me that although I am Bold, Bossy and Balanced.....my responsibilities and priorities needed to be re-examined. When I initially looked at my daily tasks, they all seemed necessary until I took a closer look. These are the steps I took to be the B.O.S.S. of my time:
1. Take 100% Responsility - Often when we feel the need to complain, we fail to acknowledge that we are the one's who got ourselves in this mess. We said "yes" to that invitation without checking our schedule. We said "yes" to that program when we didn't make time to implement the principles. We said "yes" to the promotion when we knew 10 hours of weekly overtime was required.
It makes no sense to scale back if we will just replace it with something else and find ourselves back in the same situation. Exhaustion is often the branch of a root of people-pleasing (or some other root that must be addressed).
2. Pray - Prayer is a very important part of this process because when you initially look at all that you are doing you will find that a good amount of the things are important. However, when you include God in the decision you will learn that some things can be delegated, some can be integrated into another activity and some need to be eliminated. Before we move on, I want to address elimination because as believers we often think that if there is a need in the church that we should do it if we have time. This is where spiritual discernment comes in because if the church activity in question is ineffective or if you are not anointed for the task you will need spiritual discernment to help guide your decision.
We should include God before we accept new tasks and before we let things go to make sure that we are making the best use of our time.
3. Make a Decision - One of the most admirable traits of a leader (that people don't mind following) is the ability to make a decision. A true leader knows that they will not always make the right decisions but they understand that if they don't make their own decisions that someone else (or life) will decide for them. After you have taken full responsibility for your life and sought God for guidance regarding the changes, you have to decide to make a change. The (Latin) meaning of the word decision is "to cut off," which confirms that in making a decision cutting things off is part of the process.
4. Respect Your Own Time - People who take their time seriously usually don't have to worry about being on overload and the minute there is a hint of overwhelm they are known to unapologetically scale back. Think about it. When someone is known to be busy and effective we respect their time because they respect their time. For example, lets take a look at your Pastor. If you are having a babyshower or birthday party and you invite them, he/she is busy you understand. The moment you respect your own time, you train other people to respect your time.
5. Hire A Coach - In my experience the best way to tap into your personal power and stay committed to your decisions regarding your time is by hiring a coach. The right coach won't let you make excuses about your time, instead they will make sure that you are using it doing what you are called to do.
I can help you identify your strengths, strongholds and provide accountability as you commit to taking your time back. Click here to apply for your Free BOSS Blueprint Session and get your Free Prayer Strategy Training: A Step-by-Step Guide To Setting Up Your War Room.
Success means something different to all of us, but my definition of success is being exactly who God says that I am. If I can be transparent, sometimes who God says I am is a tall order. I remember the day that God spoke Proverbs 31 BOSS into my spirit as a business and my immediate response was, "she is perfect. I can't model this business after her." Despite my own insecurities, I ultimately decided that I had to be who God says I am.
To be successful (by your own definition) you can never be afraid to be yourself, be different, be ready, be noticed, be the best or be the FIRST! Especially since our reservations about taking action on a goal or idea often have to do with our own limitations, when instead we should be mindful of how great our Father who gave us the assignment is. FAITH sustains us in the face of feelings of inadequacy. However, we must stand on the Words that God's chosen people of the past stood on when they didn't feel that they were qualified for their assignment.
When we take a look at the bible, God never chose anyone for an assignment that was eager to be chosen. Instead He chose those who would be unable to realize the vision without Him. Often, the tell-tale sign that your vision is from God is that there is no way that you can complete the assignment without Him. He will often place coaches, accoutability partners, mentors, and other people to encourage you along the way. If you feel that God is calling you work with me, click here to schedule your FREE B.O.S.S. (Bold, Optimistic, Successful & Saved) Blueprint Session to see how the Proverbs 31 BOSS Academy can assist you.
We all have heard people say that "we teach people how to treat us by by the way that we treat ourselves." I have found this to be true in every area of my life from friends, to neighbors, clients, family members, children and even in my marriage. It is often our perspective and treatment of ourselves that gives other people permission to follow our example.
You all know how passionate I am about entrepreneurship, leadership and family. I believe that we have the tools, strength and wisdom to have it all with God-given grace and balance. However, it is always our own limiting beliefs, habits and self-sabbotaging mindset that holds us back. Specifically in business, when you treat your business like a hobby, what happens? You are paid as if it is a hobby. Your clients don't take you seriously and things are not happening the way that you imagined.
This is true because of YOU! You have not put given your business 100% effort. You are not focusing on revenue generating tasks. You are treating your calling as if you have an option to walk or not to walk in it. The truth is that you won't be satisfied nor fulfilled until you do what you were created to do. Nothing else will do! Love yourself enough to follow your heart! It knows the way!
It's Time To BOSS Up!